


Hal Jordan is a Retard and Other Tales

by glitterandlube



Category: DC Comics
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-06
Updated: 2010-08-06
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is never enough to drink. Anywhere. - Tony Stark</p><p>Also! IN BEFORE LADY GAGA'S CREATIVITY STEALING VAGINA!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hal Jordan is a Retard and Other Tales

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Merelymine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merelymine/gifts).



> Warning: I make easily 75 rape jokes in this fic.

Tim is in San Fransisco, in the main part of the city, waiting for Bart and Kon to show up. Normally they all hang out at the tower, but Bart said they needed some BFF time, and Kon had made fun of him for an hour, and it had dissolved into name calling. They were probably racing each other in the Arctic right now.

[Actually, Bart is looking for pirate treasure in South Florida, and Kon is already headed to Tim, but Tim doesn't know that.]

A guy comes over and says, "Hey!"

Tim ignores him and moves back further into the shadows.

"Hey! Robin! Or whatever your name is now, I need to talk to you. I need help!"

Tim sighs, and slinks back out of the lovely, embracing shadows. They are his longest and dearest companions, and he hates leaving them.

Tim asks, "What's wrong?"

The guy says, "Look, you're a superhero so you can help me right?"

"I can try."

"So like, my girl, I think she's evil."

"Okay?" Tim answers, "Go on."

"She's trying to steal my vitality."

"Your what?"

"My vitality. My stuff! You know."

Tim stares at him, and ventures, "Your soul?"

"No. Man. My...you know, my stuff." The guy says as he points to his crotch.

"She's trying to steal your dick?" Tim asks loudly, staring at the guy in horror.

"The stuff in my dick."

"Semen?" Tim tries again. His next choice is urine, and if that's the correct answer, he's leaving SF and not returning for a month.

"Yeah. Exactly. She's stealing my semen."

Tim nods. "Right. How is she stealing it? Is she drugging you? Is she selling it?"

"She's stealing it with her vagina." The guy answers.

Tim sits there for a long moment, and the guy says, "You know what a vagina is right?"

Tim says, "Yes, I know what a vagina is. Just because I don't prefer them doesn't mean I don't know what a...did Superboy put you up to this?"

"No."

"Kid Flash? Blue Beetle?" Tim asks. "Zachary doesn't hate me enough."

"No. Man. Listen, you have to help me stop her. If she takes too much of my vitality, I'll become a woman or die or some shit. I don't want to die."

"You think if you come too much inside your girlfriend you'll die? I just want to clarify here."

"Yeah."

Tim nods. "Have you tried not having sex with her?"

"Yeah, all the time! I'm always, oh baby, I'm tired, I don't wanna have sex with you tonight, but she's evil! She's always like, oh just look at my underwear for a minute, and she's not wearing any! There's nothing I can do against that."

Over the earpiece, Tim hears Kon crack up. Kon says, "Holy shit, this is awesome."

Tim looks up, and says, "Do you have any suggestions?"

"Yeah, I'll be right down."

The guy says, "Who are you talking too? Batman?"

Tim says, "I'm talking to Superboy. I'll mention this to Batman later though, just to be on the safe side."

Kon lands, and he clears his throat, and says, "Yes, tell Batman all about this."

The guy says, "So what do you think? Can you help me?"

Kon says, "Look, dude, this is what I think you should do. You should fuck her in the ass."

"Kon!" Tim says. "What the hell."

Kon ignores Tim and puts his hand on the guy's shoulder. He continues, "See, she can't steal your manhood and vitality with her ass. Only with her vagina, because she doesn't make life with her ass."

The guy nods. "That makes sense."

"Right, so fuck her in the ass, and you can't breed, and you're safe."

"I don't want to breed?"

"No, see, she needs your vitality to give to the kid." Kon leans in and says, "And hey, if she wants a boy, man, she might need to steal all of your manhood for that, do you want that?"

"Fuck no!"

"I didn't think so."

Tim says, "I have no words."

The guy says, "Thank you, Superboy. I never would have even thought it about it that way."

Superboy nods. "My dad is really fucking smart, so you know, I'm always thinking about this crazy genius shit." He winks at Tim, who says, "No. Just no."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll fuck her in the ass from now on."

"You do that. Tell her I said so."

"Thanks so much, you guys are the best." The guy says, and he runs off down the sidewalk.

Tim says, "I don't understand where these people come from."

"I'd say space, but I think I would be insulting myself, so I won't say that." Kon says before turning to look at Tim, and adding, "Shit, I'm so fucking sad Bart wasn't here for that. He would have fucking drawn me up charts to show that guy how the baby steals his life essence for food."

"That was wrong."

"Aww, come on, I did the world a favor telling him not to breed. Plus, anal is awesome. I know you're not going to disagree with me there."

Tim shrugs, and Kon says, "Have you still not gotten laid? Am I going to have to buy you a fucking hooker?" Kon turns around and says, "Hey! HEY! I've got 50 bucks for someone to suck Robin's dick! ANYONE?"

Tim flees into the night.

`````````````````  
Several weeks of harassment later, Tim gets irritated and thinks, 'fuck it.'

Tim sneaks into Dick's room late one night. He knows Dick is already exhausted, and thus easier to emotionally blackmail. Dick looks up at him from where he's reading a book about old Gypsy stories. Tim says, "I'm still pissed at you."

Dick sighs. He sets the book down, and says, "Look, I didn't mean..." but he trails off when Tim gets on the bed, and climbs on Dick's lap and says, "You took Robin from me so you can give me something in return."

Dick says, "Tim, this is slightly unexpected. That you'd actually come onto me, I mean, that's unexpected. Also, as much as I hate saying this, sex doesn't actually fix problems. I definitely think we should try it, just to see if it finally works this time, but it never has before."

"I think it will help this time." Tim answers. "I didn't just follow you around all those years because I was obsessed with Robin."

"I know." Dick wraps his arms around Tim's waist, and helps him settle against him. He asks, "You really want me to be your first?"

Tim nods. "I've always wanted that."

Dick laughs, and kisses him. Tim feels good under his hands, all lean muscle, and the same scars they all have. Dick traces them with his fingers as he touches Tim, making Tim groan into his mouth. Dick pushes him back carefully, following him down until he's laying in the cradle of Tim's thighs. Tim's fingers are digging into Dick's arms as they move. They kiss carefully, learning each other's bodies, stripping off clothes. When they're down to underwear, and Dick is done studying the tattoo Tim has on his back, he asks, "What exactly do you want here?"

Tim smiles. "I want you to fuck me. I don't enjoy doing things halfway."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure about what I want."

Dick smiles. He says, "I'll be careful."

Tim smirks, and replies, "If I still feel this tomorrow, I don't think I'll be broken up about it."

Dick nods. "You still tell me if you want to stop." He moves away from Tim and opens the drawer next to the bed, and pulls out three condoms, and a small tube of expensive lube. Tim grins, and picks up the condoms.

"How lucky do you plan on getting here?"

"As lucky as you let me." Dick answers. He takes the condoms out of Tim's hand, and sets them down on the sheets. He reaches out and cups Tim's face. "We'll talk after this okay?"

Tim stares at him, wide eyed. "Okay."

Dick smiles and crawls back between Tim's spread thighs. He kisses him as he pulls his underwear off, before moving away as little as possible to pull off Tim's.

Dick is very careful with the lube, and his fingers, until Tim starts getting demanding, and Dick has to hold him down. Tim strains against his hands, and tries to pull Dick down with his legs. Dick laughs, and asks, "Eager for me, huh?"

Tim says, "Either fuck me or let me go."

Dick shakes his head, and kisses Tim's shoulder, and his chest, brushing his hair against Tim's chin. "Patience, little brother. We'll get there."

Tim whimpers as Dick starts kissing his stomach, and he cries out when Dick licks his erection. Dick moves back and says, "Hold still for me," and then takes Tim's cock in his mouth, sliding down until he has half of in his mouth. Dick pushes Tim's hips down, and starts sucking, hallowing out his cheeks. Tim stares down at him, mind completely failing to work.

Tim begs please over and over, but he's not even sure what he's asking for. Dick takes him deeper into his throat, and Tim cries out as he spills into Dick's mouth. Dick pulls off him, and grins. "You look good all fucked out, baby."

Tim mutters something pointless, and Dick moves back up to kiss him on the mouth. He reaches down and under one of Tim's legs, and hooks it over his shoulder. Tim moves the other one to Dick's waist, and says, "Now."

Dick nods, and he pulls Tim's into the right position. He rubs the head of his cock against Tim's hole, and Tim's fingers tighten on his arm. Dick says, "You're gonna leave bruises on me."

"Good."

"I know." Dick answers as he lines up and pushes the first inch in, making Tim cry out. "Shh. Relax for me."

Tim says, "Fuck." He opens his eyes, and stares up into Dick's.

Dick says, "Yeah, I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to fuck you hard." He pushes in further, and Tim's head falls back. Dick starts to kiss his neck, and his jaw as he moves the rest of the way inside Tim. Tim hisses when Dick stops, and Dick says, "You feel fucking amazing."

"You too." Tim says as he pants. He looks back at Dick, and adds, "I...didn't think..."

Dick leans down to kiss Tim, and smiles against his mouth, as he starts to move. Tim gasps and digs his fingers into Dick's back as Dick thrusts into him.

Thirty minutes later, Tim is shifting minutely on the bed, as Dick leans against him. "That was nice." Tim says hesitantly.

"I want a better descriptor than nice." Dick mutters. "Passionate. Intense. You're like an animal." He strokes his fingers over Tim's side, and adds, "Sex god is okay too."

Tim laughs, and says, "I meant nice like I'm happy that I did it."

"I'll take that. Still looking for sex god though."

"Shut up."

Dick grins and leans down and kisses Tim. He pulls away and yawns. "Sorry."

Tim replies, "It's okay, I know you've been awake for days. Go to sleep."

"We're supposed to talk."

"We can do that tomorrow morning." Tim answers. "Go to sleep."

"Kay." Dick mumbles, "Tomorrow morning, little brother," into Tim's shoulder.

Tim carefully replies, "That's fine." Tim lets Dick fall asleep, and then he pulls out of Dick's embrace very slowly. Dick flops onto one of the pillows and Tim makes his escape.

He calls Kon, who answers his cell, "House of Debauchery and Satan Worship, how can I help you?"

"I thought Superman told you to stop answering the phone that way."

"Kal is not the boss of me."

"You're picked Team Luthor now?"

"Shut up. They're both lame asses." Kon says. He stretches out on the bed and continues, "So, did you call to listen to me jerk off? Because you just missed it by three minutes. I can probably go again if you ask nicely."

Tim replies, "I'm good for right now."

"Your loss."

"I can always watch it later on the cameras I installed in your room."

"What?" Kon exclaims. Tim hears a crash and Kon says, "I don't see any cameras. You better not have put any goddamn lead shielding in my room! TIM!"

Tim laughs into the phone. He says, "You'll never find out. By the way, I lost my virginity."

Kon says, "You know what motherfucker...wait, what did you just say?"

"I had sex."

"WITH WHO? Did you pay for it?"

"It's with whom." Tim corrects absently. "I'm sure I'll end up paying for it."

"What?"

"The proper phrasing is with whom."

"Just answer me and stop being a dick."

"Dick."

"I'm not a dick, you're a dick."

"No, I had sex with Dick."

"Nightwing Dick or just a dick that happened to be attached to someone you'd rather not name?"

"Nightwing." Tim answers. "Do you look different after sex? I can't tell."

"Where are you? I'm coming over."

"Robin's Nest number 4."

"The one in the East End?"

"Yes."

"Be there in five. With Bart." Kon hangs up the phone before Tim can yell.

Ten minutes later...

"Bart, if you twirl the damn kitchen again, I'm killing you."

"But it's round! And it spins!" Bart winces as Tim gives him a death glare. "Fine." Bart sulks and slumps down in the chair in front of the computer. "This place is freaking tiny. I can't move around in here."

"It's supposed to be tiny." Kon says. "So it can be hidden and shit."

"Why are in here anyway? Can't we hang out at your giant stupid castle-like home?"

"No."

Kon says, "Bart, he's hiding from Dick here."

"Why?"

"Because they had sex."

Bart's jaw drops open. "REALLY?" He calls out.

Tim nods.

Bart says, "That's awesome. I thought we were going to have to find a magician to do a spell to pry your damn legs open before you ever did it."

Tim raises his eyebrows. Bart says, "It was in a movie," adding, "Did you like it? Is he as hot naked as he looks in that Nightwing uniform?"

"Yes, and yes."

Kon says, "So I was right about anal sex being awesome."

Tim says, "Shut the fuck up, Conner."

Bart starts to laugh, and then stops and says, "Ah man, now that means I'm the only virgin. I have to get a freaking girlfriend."

"Just have sex with Rose. You can probably cure any STDs in about five minutes."

Bart looks consideringly at Kon. "That's not a bad idea."

"No one is sleeping with Rose." Tim says. "At least let her finish AA first."

"Didn't she set fire to half the room at the last meeting?"

Tim says, "We're working on it."

Bart asks, "Why are you hiding from Dick anyway?"

"Because I promised him we would talk in the morning, and then I snuck out."

"You filthy slut." Kon says. "Shit, next you'll be gang banged over a pool table at some skeezy bar."

Tim and Bart stare at him in horror. Kon says, "What?"

"No, I will not." Tim says. He grabs his bag, and Kon flies them all over to SF for the weekend.

The next day, Dick shows up at the Tower to see Tim with all the Teen Titans. He watches Bart hand out gold pieces for a minute, before giving Tim a look. "So we were supposed to talk." Dick starts.

"I lied." Tim answers immediately. He wants to be clear on this.

Dick nods. "It's okay, you can make it up to me."

"I don't think so."

Dick moves closer, pressing himself carefully against Tim, and sliding his hand down to his ass. He leans close and whispers, "I loved being inside you, and I'm going to be there again."

He pulls away to smile beatifically at Tim, who answers, "We'll see," and then adds, "Conner, stop choking." He stares expressionlessly at Dick, whose smile widens.

Dick turns to leave tossing a 'later' over his shoulder, and walking in exactly the right way to make sure everyone in the room is looking at his ass.

Conner says, "Tim, what the fuck is wrong with you? Go after him and have a bitch load of sex. Dick is hot enough that I would fuck him. Hell, I might even let him fuck me."

Cassie says, "You can have a get out of jail free card for him if I can have one."

"I'll think about it." Kon answers. "Tim, seriously, go get some dick." He pauses. "Wait. Heh."

Tim glares down at Conner. "If I sleep with him again now, he'll think that's the way to solve all our problems. I'm not encouraging that. Not to mention, I'm actually still pissed at him."

"So ride him until you're not."

"It doesn't work that way for me."

"Why the hell not?"

Tim stares at Kon and says, "Okay, if sex fixes everything, how about I get you high, and date rape you the next time we have an argument."

"What?" Kon asks.

"You heard me. We'll just work it out through sex."

"That was kind of a non sequitur, I'm just saying."

"Kon, shut up before I drug you and date rape you to prove you're wrong." Tim says, as Eddie starts edging out of the room just in case.

Bart quickly interjects, "Fuck Kon. I'm available for date rape."

"It's not rape if he has your consent." Jaime points out.

"It's rape if I say it's rape!"

Tim says, "I'm not actually raping anyone!"

"Well, then stop threatening me with forced sex." Kon exclaims.

"Oh, but you'd enjoy it." Tim replies.

"I'm sure I would, but cockteasing is rude."

"Are you daring him to drug you and use your ass?" Virgil says, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It wouldn't be his ass," Bart states. "Tim is a bottom."

"I don't know what that means," Virgil answers. Bart opens his mouth to tell him, but Virgil quickly adds, "Okay, wait, never mind, I just worked it out."

Kon explains, "See, if I'm drugged and used, it's not my fault, so Cassie can't get mad at me. But I still have an orgasm or several, so it works out for everyone."

"You remember I'm sitting right here?" Cassie asks. "I can hear you."

Kon looks at her, and she stares back at him. He says, "To change the subject, everyone in favor of Tim getting the fuck over himself, and going to have sex with Dick, raise your hand."

Tim rolls his eyes. Everyone raises their hand.

"Okay, you're outvoted. Go get fucked."

Cissie adds, "We're going to need a video for proof."

Rose quickly says, "Seconded."

Mia says, "Oh my god, yes."

Cassie throws out, "Thirded, and the the fact that I'm agreeing with Rose is a sign of the pending apocalypse."

"It's nice to see porn bringing everyone together like this." Bart announces. "I'm really touched."

Tim says, "This isn't a group decision, you assholes."

"That's where you're wrong." Cissie announces.

Later...Tim is in Dick's room, with candles and shit everywhere.

Jason walks in first, and says, "Are you filming porno in here?" He turns in time to see Tim naked on Dick's bed, handcuffed to the headboard. Tim's eyes are huge, and he's slipping the handcuffs and darting behind the side of the bed as Jason yells out, "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Dick asks, "What?" from behind him.

Tim calls out, "What the hell is he doing here?" while he's pulling the sheet off the bed to wrap around himself.

Jason starts laughing maniacally. Dick walks in the room, looks around, and slowly says, "Jason, go say hi to Alfred for a few hours."

"I don't think so. As part of my duty to protect the innocent, I can't leave you alone with Tim here. You could take advantage of him." Jason is smiling like crazy.

"Too late for that." Tim says as he stands up. He is wearing the most carefully tied toga in the history of the world.

Jason shakes his head. "Fucking your Robin. You're a horrible Batman."

Dick says, "Technically, he's not my Robin."

Tim scowls at them. "Give me my pants, I'm leaving."  
````````````````````  
Dick kind of joins the Justice League, but they're all being assholes, so he mainly hangs out at the Tower, and makes all the Titans stay there too. No one really minds too much.

Roy and Wally are having a loud discussion on the street about whether it counts as a gay experience if Roy was sucked off by a guy in women's clothing, with Roy saying no, and Wally saying yes. Dick is remaining neutral on the subject when a girl comes up and says, "Hey! Do any of you know where Superboy is? That dick told my boyfriend some crazy shit, and now he's all insane! He won't have normal sex with me! I'm going to smack the shit out of him!"

"You probably need some kryptonite first."

"Oh, I will get kryptonite! I will get a fucking bargeload of it!"

Wally says, "Hey, is your boyfriend the one who thought you were stealing his manhood with your vagina?"

"What?" The woman says. "What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Yeah, that wasn't Superboy's fault, your boyfriend was crazy to start with."

"That don't mean Superboy needs to be telling him to fuck me in the ass! I don't want to be fucked in the ass! And he said if I have a baby it will eat him! I don't need this shit in my life!"

"Maybe you should find a less crazy boyfriend."

"Maybe I should become a damn lesbian."

Wally shrugs. "Or that. Let us know if you want to be the exhibition kind."

"They have exhibitions of lesbians?" She asks. "I ain't seen that. Do they pay good?"

Dick is on the ground laughing. The woman says, "Oh my god, did I break Batman?"

```````````````  
The first time Dick tries to kiss Tim while he's wearing the cowl, Tim backs up and looks freaked out.

"What?"

"Can you take the cowl off."

"Oh. Yeah." Dick pushes it down and they stare at each. "Better?"

"Yes. That's much better."

Dick smiles, and leans down, and kisses Tim softly. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"It's okay."

Tim gets over it after awhile, complete with one incident of Kon going "DUDE NO!" when they kiss in front of him, because even if he knows it's Dick in the costume, it's still fucking Batman, which means it's gross.

Unfortunately, Dick never really pays attention to where he specifically is when he gropes at Tim, which leads to him kissing Tim hard, and shoving him against the wall in plain view of a number of people leaning out their windows. The next day Tim makes him watch a political talk show where they argue about the morality of Batman molesting one of the Robins, and which specific Batman and Robin these ones even are.

Tim says, "The upside to this is now I will definitely find Bruce if only so he can kick your ass."

Dick smiles at him, and replies, "I like this shiny optimism you have now."

On the television, some guy named Dr. Frederick Wertham yells incoherently about depravity and the seduction of innocents. Tim looks pointedly at Dick, who says, "Oops?"

```````````````  
Dick tells Tim he loves him first, because Dick is a massive fucking girl and Tim is kind of emotionally closed off. Dick tells him about 175 times before Tim says it back. Of course, once Tim does say it back, Dick has a freak out, and gets massively drunk at Roy's house. He ends up in the guest room, passed out on the bed.

Dick happens to have this habit that everyone knows about where he takes off all his clothes when he gets drunk, because clothes offend him when he's not sober. He always mumbles something about Kori, and her rightness while he strips.

...

Dick wakes up and opens his eyes to see Roy standing over him, scowling fiercely.

"Ahhh." Dick says. "Your hair is very bright, and needs to be turned off. Also, can I possibly bother you to smother me?

"I'm not really that nice of a person."

"I know." Dick moans. "I think I might die on my own anyway."

"It gets worse."

"How can it get worse?" Dick asks as Roy points to the other side of the bed. Dick rolls around carefully and says, "Oh god. Oh god."

There is a blonde woman next to him in bed. Dick says, "Oh jesus, please let this be a hallucination."

Roy says, "That's only half of it."

Dick says, "What?" and Bette turns around and says, "Good Morning, Dick."

Dick turns really white, shrieks like a girl, and runs out of the room.

Roy whispers, "Wally, tell me you got that on tape. Please tell me."

Wally nods.

Bette says, "You said he'd be happy to see me."

"We may have lied slightly." Roy says. Dick runs out of the bathroom, grabs his pants, and yells, "This never happened," as he's running out the door.

Dick flees downstairs, and uses a portal to go home. He comes out in the cave, and sees Tim at the computer. "Oh god." He says. "I'm going to puke."

Dick throws up several times as Tim hovers. Damian says, "Are you going to die? Maybe the Batman suit is cursed." Tim smacks him on the back of the head, and says, "He's drunk."

Dick comes out and sits down on the floor and says, "Tim. Oh god, Tim, I think I cheated on you."

Tim goes very still and says, "What you do mean you think."

"I woke up this morning, and there was a women in bed, and I was naked, and oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I think I'm going to throw up again."

Tim says, "You fucking prick! Of course you do this right after I say it back! It's my fault for getting my hopes up, it's not like I didn't know you."

Dick looks even more miserable. "I don't cheat on everyone."

"No, you're just...you asshole."

"I know. I know I'm an asshole. Dammit, I didn't even see Bette last night, but I woke up and she was there, and Roy was standing over me and jesus, I'm so sorry, Tim."

"Wait a minute." Tim says. "Bette."

"Yes."

"And Roy was standing over you when you woke up?"

"Yes."

Tim says, "Excuse me for one moment," and picks up the phone to call Roy.

"Yo."

"Hi."

"Hi Tim." Roy says carefully.

"Is there something you would like to tell me?"

"Oh fuck, did he come home and tell you?"

"Yes."

"It was a joke!"

Tim hits the speakerphone button and says, "Repeat that for me."

Roy says, "Uh, oh god, Dick, you didn't sleep with Bette. We were going to tell you, but you ran out of there pretty fast, and I figured you would go home and sleep it off. We were going to call you later."

"We?" Dick asks dangerously.

"I meant me. Because I did it all by myself." Roy says quickly.

"How did you get Bette there?" Tim asks.

"Dick didn't tell you about my ability to make girls appear out of thin air?"

"I am going to kill you." Dick says.

"It was a joke!" Roy insists.

"You made me _hurt Tim_."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry about that, but you weren't supposed to run back and fucking tell him the same day!"

"I AM KILLING YOU!"

"Remember what happened in Port Legos?"

"You deserved that!"

"You deserved this. Anyway, as soon as I get off the phone, I'm entering witness protection."

"It's cute how you think the FBI can hide you from Tim."

"I have a child," Roy answers. "You can't kill me."

Tim says, "Tell Wally I'll have Bart deal with him. I think I'm going to have Cassie come talk to you." He hangs up as Roy says, "WHAT? NO!"

Dick says, "I am so sorry, Tim. I...don't even know what to say."

"It's not your fault your friends are douchebags." Tim pauses. "You're still cut off for a week for getting so drunk you thought you cheated on me."

"That's not fair!"

"Yes, it is."

"Tim. You're just punishing us both here."

"It would be two weeks, but you get points for telling me immediately."

"Dammit."

```````````  
Two months later. Dick is not cut off now and is a much happier man.

Jason comes in and calls out, "Hi Daddy!"

Dick looks up, confused, at Jason, and then turns to Tim. Jason starts laughing as Tim says, "I'm a little worried to ask what they told you in sex ed, but no matter how hard you try, you can't knock me up."

"I'm going to keep trying just in case." Dick replies. "But I was thinking maybe you made me some babies in a glass tube or something."

"Do you want me to..." Tim starts to ask, but Jason cuts him off to say, "You guys are ruining this for me."

Tim says, "Fine. Go ahead."

Jason says, "So, I was walking along, minding my own business, and lo and behold, I run into this crazy blonde chick. Named Bette."

"Oh god."

"And she tells me she knows you, and mentions, oh by the way, did I know she was pregnant with your love child?"

"WHAT?"

"I gave her your cell number because she seemed a little upset she couldn't reach her babby daddy."

"FUCK YOU JASON."

"She's apparently told everyone in the hero community about this."

"GODDAMMIT. I AM KILLING ROY." Dick grabs his phone, and sees 27 missed calls. He throws it at Jason's head.

"The paternity suit for this is going to be hilarious. Sorry, your honor, I didn't sleep with this woman because I'm too busy giving it to my legal brother, who also happens to be underage."

"I'll be a little sad when Tim turns eighteen."

Tim laughs, and says, "You've got two more months to debauch me until the thrill is gone."

"True." Dick says. "We should probably spend every waking minute having sex until then just in case."

"What about Gotham?"

"The Metas can handle it."

"Well, I'm convinced." Tim says. He strips off his shirt, and adds, "Take off your pants now, Dick."

Jason watches Dick toss his pants across the room and asks, "Is a threesome on the table?"

There is a long moment of silence, and Dick says, "Maybe?" Tim asks, "Will you stop trying to stab me?"

Jason nods. "I will not try to stab again for any reason. No promises about Damian."

Tim says, "What the hell, Kon keeps swearing I'm going to end up some kind of cock whore, so I might as well just go along with it. And no one asked about Damian."

Jason starts to take his pants off when there is a knock at the door, and Alfred calls out, "Boys! They've found Master Bruce!"

Jason says, "That fucking cock blocker. It's like he goddamn knows!"

The end.


End file.
